Why
won’t you just tell me
what you want?
I want to give it,
deliver it,
peacefully and willingly like a lover of your
life style.
We’ll
look all distant like I
didn’t want it to happen.
But i did as
much
as you did.
You fucking son of a bitch.
I feel the push creeping in now
like a bad habit
in the pulse of a new breed.
You want to stop the assimilation
as much as i want to
create uncomfortable commitment.
It’s all focusing on dismal truths
so much i think you love
to see yourself squirm in denial.
what happened to indifference?
you used to be so good
at ignoring the genius of being you.
it’s all up to the pleasing of others
now that you’re all cozy
in the infintile bedroom of conformity.
i wish you were dead like me
so you could feel the poison
leaking in to bedrooms all across America.
They’re always renovating here.
The guts are stripped out and reimagined.
Slimy tendrils falling silently on the butcher’s floor.
Smell of feces.
It lingers in the air
and I’m unable to discern its origin.
You say it’s par for the course
and I look out imagining what the whole city would look like
if it were burned
down
to the ground.
I smile and hold your hand.
You fight with my awkwardness.
I smell the feces again
in the distance
and
I want nothing more than to get
OUT of here!
Don’t you?
It’s magical and incredible, sure, but it’s
like suffocating in stubbornness.
These people need to start over.
I want to see what they’ll come up with
when they have a clean slate.
They’re relying on
past mistakes
like its a joy to feel imprisoned in ignorance.
I want to smash they’re fucking little snob faces in to the ground like
a decent human being would snuff the life out of a 3 legged zebra.
You can’t survive out there
like that
in the real world -
but we make all these exceptions
because we’re human. A self indulgent translation
of human.
And i can’t stand to smell the feces,
the human in the streets.
I smile
knowing I want it all
to fall
down
even when you’re smiling
and wishing you could see
more of the world
like this.
All because I’m wrong and you’re the right i long to be.
All because the song i sing is leaving me alone and empty.
Ingrained in all my thoughts
is a flower of hopelessness. Bright and blurry -
sticky with a sweet ambrosia of indifference.
You cradled me and loved me
when all you could think of was to give me
away to the blackness in my fathers heart.
Greatness is the weather,
you said – while struggling to breathe. And I believed
you while you looked away unsure.
Hooked up to your life support
I could tell you were glad you couldn’t see
us sobbing in a blasphemous embrace of forgiveness.
Pain you claim to be invisible. A
sacrifice for dead devotion.
Once you thought you knew a right
from wrong
and now
all you know
is how to bring a bottle
to your lips. It’s all slipped in
to oblivion.
You’re worth the wrapping
on the glass. Stuck
with more thought
than you gave the son who served it.
A child of ambivalence. A spawn of
wasted generations.
A seedling raised on a rancid earth.
Yet you look at me expecting an answer. A sweet
and svelte infecting chance to make me
want to guilt myself to hand you all my
wonderful and gratifying choices.
Well, I don’t owe you anything and you
owe me every single hair on your dry and flaky
meat sack.
yesterday
with your mouth in my fist
i found
a whole new way to
communicate
with my freedom. Fucking
kill
the easiness you have
with
telling me I’m not worth living.
You like to feel like
you’re in control
and i like to feel like I’m out of my
mother fucking mind
once in a while.
My decision to feel
is the same
incision i make into my skills of self deprecating gladness. Would
you like
to feel empty
like the hawk you put inside my glide path?
Sometimes isn’t good enough and
I know that it’s all worth
a shit.
A bubbling
infraction
assaulting
the very essence of your
indifference.
I’d like to move it in to your mercy kill. Fill it with
all the empty pills you give me when I’m all
alone.
Have you involved all the necessary parties
or is this
another infraction in the stream
on uninvolved consciousness?
Pig
faced
and sucked
into the
madness
of my own
involuntary sexual excursion.
Start from the beginning and read Dream #1
They biked up to the tower.
He waited just out of ear’s reach with a shaking of his shoulders and a shimmy of his head. The cold shivers filtered up through his body and he knew that fear was just a chemical reaction then – that he could overcome it. He watched with eager anticipation.
He wanted to yell out at them. Tell them they were stupid and he was smarter. But he didn’t. He hid behind the crates and watched stupid mother fucking Phil start the half-assed incantation that he had deciphered days ago. It was so simple. Why didn’t they get it?
Michael, Mook (whatever) raised the candles and Dink made a sort of dance with a sandwich – which was absolutely ridiculous.
Read the rest of this entry »
I’m definitely indebted to your casual
hate.
I wish it were that easy for the rest of us little fakes.
Do you ever look
inside
and find that we are all
like
bloated little frogs
on the steps of
coroneted weaklings?
Looking up all dead inside;
seeing all
the open eyes of
self indulgent
superficial fucking mirrors?
I lick my –
you lick mine
like i was
not inside
a covenant of twelve.
We look outside the circle
but never inside the flaming candles of thought.
I swear I’ve fucked myself
more than you have
loved yourself. And i feel solace like a gunshot
to the gut.
What the fuck happened to us?
Was it all a treaty in the anecdotes of history?
Shining like a cathode of indifference.
All these words trickle down your
shapely hips
like an owl fingering the night.
Dangerous and blasphemous until the emptiness takes hold.
I wish to god you’re right
and i don’t have to live forever.
Still I want it. Still
you laugh and i can’t help but
love.
Breathe
like a super awesome black incendiary call of higher magnitude.
Still you call and I can’t
help but answer.
This is momentary, but all i want.
Look,
it’s all falling apart.
Like predicted except you’re looking all hopeful. My face is
blank
and wanting you to take control.
But I’m all out of weakness so I
bring it close and bring it hard and bring you more than
you can handle so this is how the end
is beautifully
created
into
something
so magic –
all so surreal.
Presence in the incredi-
like all blasting
high pitched
low bass
and uninhibited with a little
belittlement
so it’s barely noticeable. You
look like
you’re going to collapse
but the end
of the world
isn’t all
you thought it would be –
all i thought
it would be so
i stand up and suck it up and
you think it’s like a dream.
A dream you can’t stop.
Crazy and wrong like a wet
dream
of unsatisfying ending.
Cursing at
god
but wanting it
all to satisfy.
I can’t help you now.
All I can do
is hold your limp and dead body like it’s
all for a cause even
though it’s not. Just like an angel you breathe
Just like a devil you scheme to
make sure i slip in to your eternity.
And i whole-
heartedly agree to bring it all to an end. As best I can.
With a slow and steady cut.
But i can’t wait to see you stop
and drop
all dead in my arms.
Again.
I agree
you wanted me
to be a
super exasperated movement of me.
But I keep failing and
I want it all to
fall down on top of me.
So it doesn’t fall on top of you. You are
the world to me but I can’t
bring myself to bring you in to existence
just yet.
You’re contagious and following.
You’re sleeping inside of my wallowing.
You’re all sorts of involuntary.
I just want you to bury me.
Sleep.
Sleep inside of me.
Get inside of my state of hate.
Hate like I want to climb. Hate like I want to climb inside of you and sleep.
It’s all so soon and swallowing. Like abated breaths of the cowering. But i
wish you’d stop your apologizing.
Crash, crash in my heart and razor pain. With all
the intent of a ruthless suckling pig.
I don’t know.
I don’t know where
I’ll be;
Where I belong. No, not since I thought of you.
You’re coming soon, aren’t you?
Wait, I’m not ready. But you push like a -
set me free.
Set me towards a purpose.
I can’t walk away. Not from your silence.
I walk away just in time
to see you smile.
