skinblade

They’re always renovating here.
The guts are stripped out and reimagined.
Slimy tendrils falling silently on the butcher’s floor.
Smell of feces.
It lingers in the air
and I’m unable to discern its origin.
You say it’s par for the course
and I look out imagining what the whole city would look like
if it were burned
down
to the ground.
I smile and hold your hand.
You fight with my awkwardness.
I smell the feces again
in the distance
and
I want nothing more than to get
OUT of here!
Don’t you?
It’s magical and incredible, sure, but it’s
like suffocating in stubbornness.
These people need to start over.
I want to see what they’ll come up with
when they have a clean slate.
They’re relying on
past mistakes
like its a joy to feel imprisoned in ignorance.
I want to smash they’re fucking little snob faces in to the ground like
a decent human being would snuff the life out of a 3 legged zebra.
You can’t survive out there
like that
in the real world -
but we make all these exceptions
because we’re human. A self indulgent translation
of human.
And i can’t stand to smell the feces,
the human in the streets.
I smile
knowing I want it all
to fall
down
even when you’re smiling
and wishing you could see
more of the world
like this.
All because I’m wrong and you’re the right i long to be.
All because the song i sing is leaving me alone and empty.

Ingrained in all my thoughts
is a flower of hopelessness. Bright and blurry -
sticky with a sweet ambrosia of indifference.

You cradled me and loved me
when all you could think of was to give me
away to the blackness in my fathers heart.

Greatness is the weather,
you said – while struggling to breathe. And I believed
you while you looked away unsure.

Hooked up to your life support
I could tell you were glad you couldn’t see
us sobbing in a blasphemous embrace of forgiveness.

Pain you claim to be invisible. A
sacrifice for dead devotion.
Once you thought you knew a right
from wrong
and now
all you know
is how to bring a bottle
to your lips. It’s all slipped in
to oblivion.
You’re worth the wrapping
on the glass. Stuck
with more thought
than you gave the son who served it.
A child of ambivalence. A spawn of
wasted generations.
A seedling raised on a rancid earth.
Yet you look at me expecting an answer. A sweet
and svelte infecting chance to make me
want to guilt myself to hand you all my
wonderful and gratifying choices.
Well, I don’t owe you anything and you
owe me every single hair on your dry and flaky
meat sack.

yesterday
with your mouth in my fist
i found
a whole new way to
communicate
with my freedom. Fucking
kill
the easiness you have
with
telling me I’m not worth living.
You like to feel like
you’re in control
and i like to feel like I’m out of my
mother fucking mind
once in a while.
My decision to feel
is the same
incision i make into my skills of self deprecating gladness. Would
you like
to feel empty
like the hawk you put inside my glide path?
Sometimes isn’t good enough and
I know that it’s all worth
a shit.
A bubbling
infraction
assaulting
the very essence of your
indifference.
I’d like to move it in to your mercy kill. Fill it with
all the empty pills you give me when I’m all
alone.
Have you involved all the necessary parties
or is this
another infraction in the stream
on uninvolved consciousness?
Pig
faced
and sucked
into the
madness
of my own
involuntary sexual excursion.

Start from the beginning and read Dream #1

They biked up to the tower.

He waited just out of ear’s reach with a shaking of his shoulders and a shimmy of his head. The cold shivers filtered up through his body and he knew that fear was just a chemical reaction then – that he could overcome it. He watched with eager anticipation.

He wanted to yell out at them. Tell them they were stupid and he was smarter. But he didn’t. He hid behind the crates and watched stupid mother fucking Phil start the half-assed incantation that he had deciphered days ago. It was so simple. Why didn’t they get it?

Michael, Mook (whatever) raised the candles and Dink made a sort of dance with a sandwich – which was absolutely ridiculous.
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I’m definitely indebted to your casual
hate.
I wish it were that easy for the rest of us little fakes.
Do you ever look
inside
and find that we are all
like
bloated little frogs
on the steps of
coroneted weaklings?
Looking up all dead inside;
seeing all
the open eyes of
self indulgent
superficial fucking mirrors?
I lick my –
you lick mine
like i was
not inside
a covenant of twelve.
We look outside the circle
but never inside the flaming candles of thought.
I swear I’ve fucked myself
more than you have
loved yourself. And i feel solace like a gunshot
to the gut.
What the fuck happened to us?
Was it all a treaty in the anecdotes of history?
Shining like a cathode of indifference.
All these words trickle down your
shapely hips
like an owl fingering the night.
Dangerous and blasphemous until the emptiness takes hold.
I wish to god you’re right
and i don’t have to live forever.

Still I want it. Still
you laugh and i can’t help but
love.
Breathe
like a super awesome black incendiary call of higher magnitude.
Still you call and I can’t
help but answer.
This is momentary, but all i want.
Look,
it’s all falling apart.
Like predicted except you’re looking all hopeful. My face is
blank
and wanting you to take control.
But I’m all out of weakness so I
bring it close and bring it hard and bring you more than
you can handle so this is how the end
is beautifully
created
into
something
so magic –
all so surreal.
Presence in the incredi-
like all blasting
high pitched
low bass
and uninhibited with a little
belittlement
so it’s barely noticeable. You
look like
you’re going to collapse
but the end
of the world
isn’t all
you thought it would be –
all i thought
it would be so
i stand up and suck it up and
you think it’s like a dream.
A dream you can’t stop.
Crazy and wrong like a wet
dream
of unsatisfying ending.
Cursing at
god
but wanting it
all to satisfy.
I can’t help you now.
All I can do
is hold your limp and dead body like it’s
all for a cause even
though it’s not. Just like an angel you breathe
Just like a devil you scheme to
make sure i slip in to your eternity.
And i whole-
heartedly agree to bring it all to an end. As best I can.
With a slow and steady cut.
But i can’t wait to see you stop
and drop
all dead in my arms.
Again.

I agree
you wanted me
to be a
super exasperated movement of me.
But I keep failing and
I want it all to
fall down on top of me.
So it doesn’t fall on top of you. You are
the world to me but I can’t
bring myself to bring you in to existence
just yet.
You’re contagious and following.
You’re sleeping inside of my wallowing.
You’re all sorts of involuntary.
I just want you to bury me.
Sleep.
Sleep inside of me.
Get inside of my state of hate.
Hate like I want to climb. Hate like I want to climb inside of you and sleep.
It’s all so soon and swallowing. Like abated breaths of the cowering. But i
wish you’d stop your apologizing.
Crash, crash in my heart and razor pain. With all
the intent of a ruthless suckling pig.
I don’t know.
I don’t know where
I’ll be;
Where I belong. No, not since I thought of you.
You’re coming soon, aren’t you?
Wait, I’m not ready. But you push like a -
set me free.
Set me towards a purpose.
I can’t walk away. Not from your silence.
I walk away just in time
to see you smile.

Collection of hope and helplessness.
With a glance i dismiss it. But i want to
sleep inside the mouth of bottomless bereavement.
I never knew you. I never wanted to know you.
I miss you so fucking much that I want
to sway with the trees but I can’t find the moment.
I sleep in sorrowful blasphemy. And you wait in perfection.
Beating me body and soul like it’s some sort of game to you.
I’d like to see you comfort me now with your special ways.
It’s no longer glamorous, is it?
I’m no longer special –
in the end.
You pretended. So good you intended to bring me up
but I fucked up.
And you blew me in to the aether like a kite into flesh filled decay.
Bring me. Bring me inside of your thoughts and I’ll…
Promises empty, as i say them, they’re empty and you wish me away.
I can see you on your altar. All glorious and full of light that i can’t
fit the sight of you in my bartered barrage of snarled sadness.
Oh, why can’t I feel
anything?
i want to feel
something
but you mock me from the afterlife all superhuman
and woman
and pretending I lived up to your potential, but i know
that i failed at being responsible.
I want to breathe inside of your ghost.
I want to leave it all inside of you but
I can’t seem to forget your loss.
It hits me when i don’t want it.
I want to cut you out but you bleed me in and today is not the day we
win.

Been thinking of destruction.
Want to bring it all down on top of me and I can’t
Help but want it all to come down so
It no longer has a presence in my every day life. But still
I long
I love
I fucking want all inside of you
and i know i don’t deserve it but i want your love to and i can’t take this
self betrayal.
Self destruction.
Self immolation.
Barometer of wanton doubt.
Heart and i hate –
with weakness and abated silence.
Terror and savage indifference.
Bring me my last denial
so I can burn it down.
Bring me self indulgence
so I can breathe in hope.
I want to smash it inside you.
I want to destroy your pestilential faith.
I want to infect you all -
stealth in your mouth
with love
but an absence
there of
and you cannot deny it.
I cannot deny it
and you want it inside,
and i want to
kill it before it
breathes.