skinblade

Well I guess I never knew it would hurt like that
so I stabbed the needle in until I lost it
couldn’t hold it anymore, or pull it out.
And it stayed there for thirty years
until I met a man made of clay.
and with his sticky clay skin
he touched me
gently
and the needle made it’s way out…
moved slowly out as he pulled away
and the pain was gone,
the prick that I had felt for so long
gone.
I thanked him and moved on. Promised to return.
But it’s been fifty years now
and I haven’t seen him since…
haven’t even though of him at all.
But that’s the way it always goes, isn’t it?
Isn’t it?

Again I’m placed in the same hands
Brought down to earth by simple realization.
Can it be so easy to destroy me?
Dangerous, no, stupid to to believe otherwise.
Every minute is like knives to my back
Forever scraping the skin away.
Got to keep on fighting, but it’s hard
Hard to remove this depression from my veins because
In the crimson shade is the root to solitude.
Jagged pieces of glass pump through my heart
Killing what little feeling’s I have left.
Love is all I strive for in these moments.
Many times I’ve failed to come full circle,
Near the center, close up, and shut up.
Open me up dear friend and strip this away,
Place it on the stove and set it aflame.
Quiet now, let’s hear the thing scream in agony.
Really, I can’t imagine anything sweeter…
Save the kiss from a love one… you.
Tonight I’ll dream easier with the pain gone;
Usually it’s so hard for me to go to sleep,
Very hard to even close my eyes in the dark.
Why can’t I get rid of this isolaiton bug?
Xenophobia, paranoia… all these things attacking me.
You must help me regain my strength dear
Zenith’s are reachable only with your help.

stain you, drain you down…
liquid disease can’t you please breathe
some other place?
my face is not designed to take this disgrace.
break me, take me to the ground.

when the sin’s begin to itch
you insist on being mist surrounding
the city walls.
and I fall, I crawl when the bell tolls.
I’ve been slippin on your shit.

again.
I must tell you, it’s been swell
to smell you like this. With all your pisss
and your lust… and your feces crust.
but really I must get going ’cause it’s snowing
and it’s cold, I’m getting old
and too bold for my own good…
good bye liquid disease, please come back
please do please do… love you too.

You invade my privacy,
inject your words into my ears…
one more second with you
and I swear I’ll burst into tears.
sleep on my pillow
go ahead
asshole.
lay on my matress
like a dog
asshole.
leave me and never come back
I grow tired of your presence
one more second with you
is a second passed my patience.
you fucking look at me,
eyes hazy
asshole.
you try to talk to me,
bland thoughts
asshole.
You better walk away
or I’ll be forced to retaliate
one more second with you
is giving me ideas to mutilate.

on the frozen battlefield.
weapon in hand
picture in my pocket
I’m having a great time now…
so afraid
so afraid
but the bullet’s keep coming
the people keep screaming
and the scarlet still covers the snow.
whatever happened to sanity?
it seems so distant now…
so empty and gone.
what I have in my heart
has withered.
what I have in my head
has faded.
so afraid
so afraid
and the nightmare doesn’t end.

put the record on
the one you said you’d never play
it’s skipping again
I told you it wouldn’t give you the words to say.
now you’re stuck again
unable to find a tune you can stand
with your flutter shit
and your two dollar cover band.
what happened?
are you tired of not being you?
I knew this would happen
I saw it in the way you loved solitude.
what do to? what to do?
no more time to listen to your inner soul
and the record skips
leaving you afraid, cold, & out of control.

the flower of your kiss gives me a skill
which is hard to describe.
A skill to build a foundation for hope,
for faith, for happiness inside.
the meaning of your words gives me a sense
that maybe I’m not alone.
A sense that helps me soothe the pain,
quench my thirst, change my tone.
the scent of your skin gives me a memory
which will help me turn new.
A memory I can recall in my sleep,
when I’m bathing in solitude.
the calm of your touch gives me a warmth
that cradles me in it’s arms.
A warmth so soothing it helps me to cry,
to die, to disarm.

Lay gently now and let me hold you
I just want to breathe you in.
I haven’t started anything yet,
so just let me begin.

Select the order in which you wish to live:
innocence then corruption
or
corruption then innocence?
your choice.
either way you’ll never be complete,
never be the person you want to be.
I must find a center in this,
a medium,
an in between.
but I feel there can never be one.
I can never be complacent
or
satisfied with what I have.
a boy and then a man?
a man and then a saint?
and then?
and then?
and never will I be the in between.

I’ve got my visions,
my premonitions
and that’s all I need to know.

I’ve got my dreams,
my nightmares,
and that’s all I need to know.

whatever…
I can’t stand to move,
can’t stand to live,
can’t stand to breathe anymore.

let me swallow it,
let me wallow in this apathy.

I’ve got myself,
my church and prison
and that’s all I need to know.

I’ve got my hate,
my depression
and that’s all I need to survive.

No evidence of the past is present.
I must push it away,
must take it to the end’s of my domain,
make it pay for what it’s done for me.
But I falter,
I stumble upon it’s tentacle
and it takes over again like a disease.
I’ve got the scars
I’ve got the insecurity
so it’s mine now,
mine forever to deal with
or deny.
You must be looking at me differently now,
with wide eyes now,
to catch every single detail.
But why waste the time?
Everything that you see is never true,
is always just exactly what I want you to see.
And even if you saw the disease
you wouldn’t accept it,
wouldn’t want it to be part of me.
It’s much better to live in this lie;
to lay in this bed of false impressions.
it’s mine to live with now,
nothing to do with you.
So leave me now
to destroy myself and wallow in pain.