skinblade

I wonder what you’re doing right now
as I lay in bed looking at these pictures of you.
You must be dreaming without knowing it.
You must be sleeping in the arms of peace.
I am speaking out of turn but how
do you manage to stop my heart and cue
my mind to battle against the nature of it?
My mind is rattled but my soul’s at ease.

I am realizing that in all of these pictures
you don’t have your arms around me like you should.
I’m confused, and a bit disoriented
like a beast wandering through an urban nightmare.
I am speaking out of turn but you’re
driving me a bit insane and the things that would
usually give me confidence are sedated
by your trepidation to show me you care.

I initiate a self-revival sequence
within my programmed survival code
and I successfully install a program to let go.
Yes, I successfully begin to accept everything.
I’ve decided to stop trying to make any sense
of the things that would usually hold
me back and flail. Yes, I continue to grow
while I focus on the beautiful things I’m feeling.

heart beat, break beat.
the sun’s shining on the dying
like the moon’s beaming on the dead.
and yet, i bet on
the movement of her hips.
they are making me moan
and hope is pulling me out from under
the persistence of thoughts
i can’t seem to control.
I hold on to the last time
we touched
like a fevered coke fiend
wanting another fix.
I hold on to the last time
we kissed
like a dictator
gripping his fist for control.
heart beat, break beat.
the stars are blinking down on me
like the clouds form images i yearn.
and still i’m filled with
moments of absolute darkness.
all i want is to hear her voice
and kiss the softness that pushes me over
the precipice of  thoughts
i can’t seem to control.
I hold on to the last time
we slept
like a little bear
who misses the snow.
I hold on to  the last time
we looked
in to each others eyes
and felt the world melt.

I collaborate with needles under my skin
to keep me awake -
and to keep me sane.
yes, I put pressure on them to make myself grin,
but it’s a mistake
to love all this pain.

I want to distract myself from the lack of you -
from the emptiness
that destroys my days.
your scent, your touch, your taste – infected all I knew.
now there’s only this:
a lack of sun rays.

I reach out to the sky hoping to feel something -
anything that’s close
to your warmth and smile.
my heart aches, my mind is numb, and I keep thinking:
I hate that I won’t
see you for a while.

I pretend like you are here
looking back at me
with eyes so wise
and smile so wide
that it makes me crumble
inside.
I take a full breath,
slowly,
and close my eyes
as the clouds divide.
The sun shines down on me
and for a second
I swear I can feel my
lips on your thighs.
Your scent lingers
in my mind’s eye
as I exhale and realize
it was only days ago that we
set the nights on fire
and only days until we meet again.

There are ghosts of you on this road -
shades that overwhelm my senses.
I try to catch them, but I fail.
They are soft and mysterious -
reflections of the way you smile.
Silent beacon’s in the darkness
calling me. Calling me home.

I thought about your legs on mine
and how you softly stroked my hair.
Your ghosts have hold of me again.
And the perfect moment we shared
becomes a manifestation
of apparitions in the air.
Eternal, haunting and divine.

sit
sit and remind yourself why you’re here.
But nothing comes to mind.
nothing.
beg for a chance to be released
but no one answers your pleas anymore.
no one.
where is the razor blade you used last summer?
how come you couldn’t pull the trigger?
no answer.
no chance to remember the reason why
you changed your mind.
empty and alone.
clouded by visions of enemies,
hate, destruction, smells of spit.
And you sit.
sit.

go blind
lose yourself in the rewind
and find the thing in you that is missed the most.
but it’s a ghost
a distant spectre taken over by the frost.
the drugs don’t help
the liquor’s hell
and you’re lost in the yell of a thousand memories.
You go to your knees
and beg for dreams
but what you get is the wet sticky substance
that linger’s among us.
this is the decadence dance.
the chance to lose everything with one glance.
slash it away
smash it away
today you’ve become the maker of your own demise.
it’s in your eyes,
the reflection of the knives you used
to end the abuse.
you never win, always lose,
when you bargain with the end,
the oblivion

tried to breathe today
but I realized I was a machine.
slowly through the ages
we have become this
Nothing but extensions to electronics
sub processors and batteries.
Who are we now?
what have we created?
Addicted to the sounds
the sights the smells these things give us.
Can’t get away… get away!
Let me breathe
let me see my own true self.
But without these things
we are nothing.
We’ve come to realize that
and can’t go back to what we were:
men.

I plod through memories again
and try to lose myself in that thought plane.
Multi-colors, pseudo-textures
I try to stay in that voice mixture.
But I’m dreaming alone
sleeping alone
and it’s not the same as being with you.
I’m addicted, obsessed… yeah, I guess that’s true.
Smell the sweet scent I’ve packed away
maybe that’ll help me live through today.
But it’s not enough to ease my soul,
to take back what distance and time stole.
Because I’m dreaming alone
sleeping alone
and nothing can save me from this abyss
except your breath, your touch, your kiss.