skinblade

I plod through memories again
and try to lose myself in that thought plane.
Multi-colors, pseudo-textures
I try to stay in that voice mixture.
But I’m dreaming alone
sleeping alone
and it’s not the same as being with you.
I’m addicted, obsessed… yeah, I guess that’s true.
Smell the sweet scent I’ve packed away
maybe that’ll help me live through today.
But it’s not enough to ease my soul,
to take back what distance and time stole.
Because I’m dreaming alone
sleeping alone
and nothing can save me from this abyss
except your breath, your touch, your kiss.

step once
step twice
stop and smell the spice
of the slut on the corner.
Broken glass
Broken souls
need more money to fill the holes
that were made by your lover.
one o’clock
one boy
playing with his brand new toy
waiting for mommy to come home.
“who’s that?
who’s this?”
“shut up, boy, I’m getting pissed!”
“but we’re not supposed to be alone.”
“fuck you!”
Fuck again
before he feels the pain,
The shame of being him.
step once
step twice
stop and make the slice
that let’s go of life and sin.

I look out at you from my somber corner
and silently I pray for your death’s.
One by one, I pray, you will fall.
But god doesn’t listen to these selfish desires.
Sometimes he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence.
I’ve forgotten how it feels
to be wrapped in the arms of faith and belief.
It’s been so long since I’ve let myself go.

Can’t he see the agony in my eye’s,
the depression in my smile,
the forgotten desire in my soul?

But it’s up to me to step forward,
To let the light shine through my heart.
And my feet are frozen
Rusted to the ground by hateful thoughts.
I can’t step forward because I’ve become a
machine. I’m not a man anymore.
But still I pray… sometimes only for destruction.
… once in a while for… love.

Because I know he’s out there somewhere,
he’s hiding from my sinful eye’s.
And I can only see him if I give in
let go of all the desire’s he put inside of me.
Confusion sets in… pain in my abdomen.
If he didn’t want me to be this way
then why did he make me this way?
I have no defense against temptation
save a few ideals and morals.
But sometimes they’re not enough
or busy somewhere else.

But I believe, I believe,
I want so much to just believe…
it’s not enough.
Never enough.
And the snake behind my eye’s controls me.
The sex behind my lies controls me.
and I am a ball of belief
unwound by temptation
and sin.

piercing my skin with laughter
you muse at the way I react.
what can make you tremble?
what can I destroy?
That’s all I think about when you stand there.
With your coca cola smile
and your pork chop side Burns.
I knew you once, but now it’s all a memory.
I move to one side and you follow.
Left, left   right, right
and still that smile on your face.
up, up   down, down
and still that look in your eyes.
Like I’m not good enough and never will be.
Like the skies aren’t meant for me.
Like possession’s lost are unimportant.
And when I strike, I strike a mirror.
my reflection is scattered
and you multiply into a million me’s,
a million faces full of laughter,
a million ways to make me feel hurt,
a million faces of shame
and disappointment.
Oh, god, the mirror’s got control again.

Sometimes I say things just to let myself know
I’m not alive like the rest of you.
I put my memories aside
lick my lips in the dark… in the blackness,
in the shadow’s behind my eyes.
I live in the in between…
somewhere the feelings you give me can’t effect me.
Does it bother you to know I secretly hate you?
Not because of any other reason
but the simple fact that you’re not me.
Maybe in the future you’ll see
that living like this isn’t better
isn’t easier
isn’t even the sane thing to do…
it just is.
Just makes me feel superior to you.
Only because I can tell myself that I am and believe it.
Make it so by thought alone.
Sometimes I say things…
just to let myself know I’m still alive.

Take it away now
shave it from my face.

Have to ignore you to be at peace,
have to pretend you’re not here
to have some sort of freedom.

But you tempt me
you push in to my realm
with eye’s like knives
and finger’s that can melt my skin.

Don’t touch me
I don’t want to be reminded I’m alive.
Don’t look at me
I don’t want to feel myself breathe.

Take it… shave it…
place it in your oblivion and walk away.

This is my only sanity now
this corner
this self absorption
this paper
this pen
this absence of clarity.

the wind stopped blowing
and the sun came out… bright… it blinded me
for a while.
I must adapt, must learn to live without some things.

I cling on to hope
to dreams and memories… bright… they blind me,
bring me closer to bliss.
I must remember the wind will blow again some day.

stick my hands in my pocket’s
let the sun shine on my face… gently…
reverently I stand there alone
among a crowd of strangers.

These are the times I dread
but secretly admire.
for their power… their lasting effect… their lack of
everything.

the wind begins to blow.
again I reflect on you… bright… you blind me
and I am lost…
in lotus dreams that help me forget I’m here.

I block out these figure’s
the sun and the depression… bright… but doesn’t blind
because I’m dreaming,
In a haze, on an island, in your arms and memory.

Well I guess I never knew it would hurt like that
so I stabbed the needle in until I lost it
couldn’t hold it anymore, or pull it out.
And it stayed there for thirty years
until I met a man made of clay.
and with his sticky clay skin
he touched me
gently
and the needle made it’s way out…
moved slowly out as he pulled away
and the pain was gone,
the prick that I had felt for so long
gone.
I thanked him and moved on. Promised to return.
But it’s been fifty years now
and I haven’t seen him since…
haven’t even though of him at all.
But that’s the way it always goes, isn’t it?
Isn’t it?

Again I’m placed in the same hands
Brought down to earth by simple realization.
Can it be so easy to destroy me?
Dangerous, no, stupid to to believe otherwise.
Every minute is like knives to my back
Forever scraping the skin away.
Got to keep on fighting, but it’s hard
Hard to remove this depression from my veins because
In the crimson shade is the root to solitude.
Jagged pieces of glass pump through my heart
Killing what little feeling’s I have left.
Love is all I strive for in these moments.
Many times I’ve failed to come full circle,
Near the center, close up, and shut up.
Open me up dear friend and strip this away,
Place it on the stove and set it aflame.
Quiet now, let’s hear the thing scream in agony.
Really, I can’t imagine anything sweeter…
Save the kiss from a love one… you.
Tonight I’ll dream easier with the pain gone;
Usually it’s so hard for me to go to sleep,
Very hard to even close my eyes in the dark.
Why can’t I get rid of this isolaiton bug?
Xenophobia, paranoia… all these things attacking me.
You must help me regain my strength dear
Zenith’s are reachable only with your help.

stain you, drain you down…
liquid disease can’t you please breathe
some other place?
my face is not designed to take this disgrace.
break me, take me to the ground.

when the sin’s begin to itch
you insist on being mist surrounding
the city walls.
and I fall, I crawl when the bell tolls.
I’ve been slippin on your shit.

again.
I must tell you, it’s been swell
to smell you like this. With all your pisss
and your lust… and your feces crust.
but really I must get going ’cause it’s snowing
and it’s cold, I’m getting old
and too bold for my own good…
good bye liquid disease, please come back
please do please do… love you too.